Mice don't like cheese

They like peanut butter. Just like me!

So there have been tiny black mouse poos in the under-sink cabinet since my roommate and I moved in, about three months ago. I bought the kind of trap where you don't have to see or touch the mouse, put a piece of cheddar in the space for bait, and waited. And waited. And cleaned up more mouse poo. Waited some more. Forgot all about it, until a few nights ago when I heard it scuttling around in the walls. I even heard it squeak once, I think. I told a friend that if I ever saw it, I would scream. "That will probably solve the problem," he retorted.

So I knew it was time to amp up the ammunition. I had read somewhere that mice sometimes prefer peanut butter to cheese. I also read that they can fit through spaces as small as 1/4 of an inch, but I prefer not to think about that (as I avert my eyes from the hole left by the previous tenants' coaxial cable... clocking in at about 1/3 of an inch). So as a test, I put a tiny blob of peanut butter on a paper towel in the cabinet last night. It was organic Whole Foods peanut butter, to be specific... clearly nothing but the best for my household pests. I like to spoil my vermin before I murder them. There's a life and/or relationship metaphor in there somewhere.

This morning, the peanut butter is completely gone, along with a hole chewed through the center of the paper towel. That's right, the little fucker even ate the greasy paper. In the hope that (s)he would come back for more, I replaced the (old, yet not at all smelly) cheese with another little bit of PB. Then I ate some myself with some popovers that I baked yesterday. It was delicious, and the irony was not lost on me.

Tonight, as I was pretending to watch the presidential debate but really just putzing around my apartment trying to shake off a funk, I check my trap. Success! In under 10 hours! Yet another reason to thank George Washington Carver in my nightly prayers. I double-plastic-bagged that guy and took him/her downstairs to the trash. Apparently, one can be an animal-loving vegetarian and still get immense satisfaction out of the murder and subsequent disposal of a mouse. In case you were wondering, I cleaned up the remaining poos and mopped the floor for good measure.

Kinda makes me want to go here to celebrate.